"your life is yours to create"

Love, it's time for you.

2010-09-10T23:29:00.000-07:00

Love, it’s time for you
If you come now
That will be okay
It's been a strenuous journey
I was tired,
and rested along the way
It’s your time,
you may enter
Make your abode
And have this heart as your home
It’s safe for you now
The door's wide open
So please enter.

There's a longing...

2010-08-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

There’s a longing.
I want to write, but I don’t know what to say. I want to reach out, but I feel myself pulling away. I don’t see the point since it doesn’t change our level of maturity. It doesn’t change the timing. It doesn’t change what’s past. It won’t accomplish what I want it to accomplish; it doesn’t fill the void.
There’s an emptiness I feel now devoid of your spirit. It’s this ubiquitous feeling that always encompasses me; it’s a part of me that I’m so used to that it takes a prodigious experience for me to awaken out of my normalcy, for me to realize and to remember this hole, this lacking in my life. It’s in these tender and intimate moments that undo this emotional barrier that protects my daily life from the omnipresent void.
I hate remembering the void, because then I remember the emptiness; I feel it. I don’t like to feel it. It’s uncomfortable. It reminds me that I haven’t found my husband; that I am still one and alone here- just me and God. It reminds me how much I long for that person, the right person. It reminds me how much love I have waiting here to give to that person.
This is, in part, why I do my best to avoid the dating thing; why I try to not let men into my life. I don’t like the after effects: the emotional and spiritual separation, the remembrance of the void, the adjustment period of going from being with someone to being alone again.
There’s a vibrancy of life that can only be experienced side-by-side another person. There is only so much one can experience alone with God. And although I cannot complain of my single life, the life I’m used to, comfortable with, fond of and have grown to love, there is something to be said about sharing the ride, co-piloting. It’s why (I think) God made the two sexes, it’s why marriage exists – it’s the physical and spiritual bond that transforms people, families and the world.
So I sit here now. And I’m thinking of you, and the tiny instances and their details.
And I’m remembering my own weaknesses, such as this void. And I feel bummed. I am reminded of my own immaturity and unpreparedness when it comes to relationships. I am reminded that, regardless of how much my soul may want or long for a marital relationship, with regard to my spiritual and emotional maturity, I am in no way close to being ready to engage on that level. I am reminded of how I often lack patience, understanding and tolerance. I am reminded of how close-minded I can be in my dealings with various circumstances. I am reminded of how heedless I can be and how hard it is for me to process my emotions. It’s a harsh reality to face so I feel sad, frustrated, and defeated. It’s like I am back at square one.
I wish the timing were different, and we were in different places (mentally, spiritually, emotionally, etc) so that this letter made sense for me to send. I wish I could send this letter to you and there would be a point because you would know what to do with it. I wish a lot of things.
There’s a longing.

Words..just words

2009-10-12T19:26:00.001-07:00

Fucked up, everybody is

on a perpetual P. R. campaign,

manipulating truth

to be perceived.

Don’t show who you are, don’t be weak

weakness equals fail. You are a failure!

Don’t feel, don’t act, don’t be real.

Have a strong wall

Thwart incoming threats

God forbid you step too far and

cross the fragile barrier and enter in someone’s

truth, someone’s reality.

Never okay. Never.

Barriers, boundaries, distance

It’s all in your head, it’s not real

To keep the world from crashing down

For the sake of professionalism and perception

It only matters what they believe about you to be true

And how they understand you

Not the real truth about you

That’s reserved for God.

… and maybe if you are lucky, there will be

That one person who is willing to overstep the line

To be vulnerable, if you are lucky, blessed

In this life to meet someone who sees beyond, who comprehends

Beyond the wall

And you see beyond theirs

Doubtful. Mostly unreal, a mirage.

No truth exists.

Build a fortress, a strong hold.

Hold on tight, let no one in

Just him and you, rock solid

A fortified foundation of trust, mutual respect and fellowship

Only you and him exist or is it you and her?

Just the two.

Build a strong, secure, safe home,

A haven, a sanctuary, let no one enter

Let no viciousness, no vanity

None of the outside world, none of the ‘real’ world

None of the real fake world.

In the home exists reality, let it flourish

And be full of love

Let the barriers down, relax, take a breath

A judge-free zone, an accepting place

A space for you to exist in

Outside open the doors is hell, the reality of facades

Or facades of reality, which is it?

A never-ending publicity campaign.

“Love me that I may love thee.

If thou loves me not

my love can in no wise reach thee”

in the stronghold, raise a family

and create for them a kind reality.

People fear each other. They fear flaws

and imperfections, of people noticing

and judging. People fear mockery, rejection

being seen as weak or feeling unwanted.

This is the non-reality made real

It’s an illusion we believe.

Reject it, deny it

Rejoice in your humanity, celebrate it.

But if you fear rejection, then find your one

and build a strong hold and be a team

be on each other’s sides, be as one.

Never fight, never argue, only love

in this world, people need more

because this world is fucked up.

Land of Hopes and Dreams (incomplete)

2009-10-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

Hypocritical conflictual society

Everyone with their different needs

Land of hopes and dreams

Squashed behind the scenes

They sacrifice all they know

In order to help our economy grow

They settle in quietly

And we kick them out abruptly

Without regard to their family

Democracy we say we promote

We do this through the electoral vote

Human rights we say we care

So long as you and your family were born here

In the name of peace and capitalism we begin war

By destroying nations, we hope for more

Equal before the law you are

Does not equate to fairness by far

Injustice, hatred and violence we see every day

Just to make you afraid to go out and play

People hate us and we don’t ask ourselves why

We jump to conclusions and call them all spies

Terrorists, socialists, and nationalists

Apparently these groups are anti-capitalist

But wouldn’t you be, if they massacred your family

Tortured your loved ones in the name freedom

Self-righteous, fallacious society

Everyone with their different beliefs

Land of hopes and dreams

Squandered underneath

Charismatic dogmatic greedy leaders

Mindless, sheep-like, complacent believers

Critical thinking condemned

You’re damned to hell if you question them

Forget the search for truth and justice

You’re either with us or you’re against us

Morals and ethics gone array

It’s my way or the highway

Unjust, unequal, patriarchal society

Everyone with their different goals

Land of hopes and dreams

Destroyed by gender roles

A perfect housewife

She’d been all her life

But he left her for his secretary

Now she’s left with a family of three

Without support and money

She’s beautiful, hardworking and twice his age

Yet earns only half his wage

The only means for promotion

Is resigned acceptance and devotion

To be available 24 hours (for the corporation)

Demeaning and degrading remarks she must withstand

For complaint will have her replaced on demand

Sexual harassment she receives daily

Just so she can feed her babies

Responsibility before respect

Isn’t what she should expect

Hierarchal, oppressive society

Everyone with their different schemes

Land of hopes and dreams

Realistically realized only by the aristocracy

Old wealth abounds

From which vary rarely new wealth can be found

Suffocating artistic souls

Silenced by predetermined societal roles

Creative, innovative, intelligent, nouveau thinkers

Discouraged and thwarted by threatened supervisors

Lyric start...part 1

2009-10-11T16:55:00.000-07:00

When I say die, I don’t mean death

When I say live, I mean die forever

Lose yourself, close the door

Open the window, reach out for more

In the prairie, all is more than it seems

In the meadow, see between the beams

When I eat I think of you

When I drink you are with me too

Never alone can I be, so long as you’re in me

A part of me I know you are, coexisting

No such thing as mutual exclusivity

In nature, fresh and good

Spiritual existence lives within the wood

When I say search, I mean found

Look within all clear, transparent

Never alone can I be so long as you are with me

A part of me I know you are, coexisting

When I say die, I don’t mean death

When I say live, I mean die forever

Lose yourself and all you know

And crawl through the open window

Sprint across the valley

Wade through the stream

Till you reach the meadow

Close your eyes, calm your mind

Take it in, look between the lines

What is hidden will reveal

What it does often conceal

Never alone can I be so long as you are inside me

A part of me I know you are, coexisting

When I say die, I don’t mean death

When I say live, I mean die forever