There's a longing...

There’s a longing.
I want to write, but I don’t know what to say. I want to reach out, but I feel myself pulling away. I don’t see the point since it doesn’t change our level of maturity. It doesn’t change the timing. It doesn’t change what’s past. It won’t accomplish what I want it to accomplish; it doesn’t fill the void.
There’s an emptiness I feel now devoid of your spirit. It’s this ubiquitous feeling that always encompasses me; it’s a part of me that I’m so used to that it takes a prodigious experience for me to awaken out of my normalcy, for me to realize and to remember this hole, this lacking in my life. It’s in these tender and intimate moments that undo this emotional barrier that protects my daily life from the omnipresent void.
I hate remembering the void, because then I remember the emptiness; I feel it. I don’t like to feel it. It’s uncomfortable. It reminds me that I haven’t found my husband; that I am still one and alone here- just me and God. It reminds me how much I long for that person, the right person. It reminds me how much love I have waiting here to give to that person.
This is, in part, why I do my best to avoid the dating thing; why I try to not let men into my life. I don’t like the after effects: the emotional and spiritual separation, the remembrance of the void, the adjustment period of going from being with someone to being alone again.
There’s a vibrancy of life that can only be experienced side-by-side another person. There is only so much one can experience alone with God. And although I cannot complain of my single life, the life I’m used to, comfortable with, fond of and have grown to love, there is something to be said about sharing the ride, co-piloting. It’s why (I think) God made the two sexes, it’s why marriage exists – it’s the physical and spiritual bond that transforms people, families and the world.
So I sit here now. And I’m thinking of you, and the tiny instances and their details.
And I’m remembering my own weaknesses, such as this void. And I feel bummed. I am reminded of my own immaturity and unpreparedness when it comes to relationships. I am reminded that, regardless of how much my soul may want or long for a marital relationship, with regard to my spiritual and emotional maturity, I am in no way close to being ready to engage on that level. I am reminded of how I often lack patience, understanding and tolerance. I am reminded of how close-minded I can be in my dealings with various circumstances. I am reminded of how heedless I can be and how hard it is for me to process my emotions. It’s a harsh reality to face so I feel sad, frustrated, and defeated. It’s like I am back at square one.
I wish the timing were different, and we were in different places (mentally, spiritually, emotionally, etc) so that this letter made sense for me to send. I wish I could send this letter to you and there would be a point because you would know what to do with it. I wish a lot of things.
There’s a longing.